The Power of My Family Story: A Look at Coming Home Through the Genogram
Written by Sarah Marsh
“The past is never dead. It’s not even past”- William Faulkner
The family has been described as a building block of society, as well as the connection point between each person’s past and present. William Faulkner’s quote above can apply to those who carry their histories into current relationships and, therefore, continue the past unaltered into present day. For many of us, a fear of continuing a painful narrative is enough to seek change in a dysfunctional system.
A genogram is a useful tool that uses geometric shapes to reveal relational patterns that have existed through multiple generations of a family and the genogram can be used by counselors and clients alike. This blog provides a personal example of my own reflective experience while using a genogram.
As I approached the home that I had left several years before, I imagined the front door to be a portal; by stepping through that portal, I would be transformed into who I was when I left. I would become young...reinstated as the child I once was and would remain so until I once again left through the portal. I simultaneously longed for the portal yet could not get far enough away from it. An inward struggle played out under porch light.
When I began my genogram journey, I was cognizant that I would have to investigate my family’s history from many different points of view. I found that in order to fully understand my own identity within the genogram, I would need to generate three needed changes in my perspective: from a self to a systems perspective, from a fixed to a fluid perspective, and from an estranged to an empathic perspective. These changes are foundational to being ready to explore your family’s relationships from past to present day.
First, despite a cultural system that downplays the importance of the extended family and focuses on individualism, Dr. Samuel Gladding defines a system as an interacting set of units in which “individuals are seen in the context of larger, dynamic systems” (Gladding, 2019, p. 30-31). I began to consider myself as a part in a larger, more intricate story by looking at the relationships that came before me.
In addition to changing from a self to a systems perspective, I moved from fixed to a fluid perspective when viewing my current family relationships. Instead of viewing our communication patterns as stagnant, I saw the opportunity for movement in the family system. Finally, I had to view my mother’s history with empathy to take a step from estrangement to closeness. When I saw the visual lines of disconnection and separation that created my mother’s childhood experience, I realized I had not had a clear picture of her. In fact, I felt that I was deeply acquainted with the wrong person all this time. By learning to understand my mother in her other roles (as a child, a friend, a fiancée, a sister, and a wife), I gained a change of perspective that created a much-needed line of empathy between us.
I learned today that my great grandmother spoke a language I have never heard in a land to which I have never been. Yet, I feel her presence here. I, too, feel strange in a place I am told to feel familiar; I, too, have an old language in my bones and a new one on my tongue: the former being fear and the latter perseverance. I, too, feel weary to be a foreigner in my own home.
Within each family are storytellers: those who pass down the narrative of the family. As McGoldrick (2011) noted, “women are typically the carriers of family heritage” (p. 342). This was true for my family, as mothers carried the narrative through three generations, often presenting a broken story to preserve familiarity and a sense of safeness. Therefore, my task along this journey was to revisit old narratives in order to glean a more realistic narrative. I wanted to better understand my history by forming a cohesive picture of my past.
When constructing the genogram, each connecting line describes the relationship between family members. For example, color coded lines represent estrangement, closeness, harmony, or engagement. When complete, the genogram tells the story of the emotional lineage within a family— how they related to each other, where there were conflicts or abuse, where there were losses, and where there was disconnection. Counselors know that foundational to a family’s story are moments of either turning toward connection or of turning away and repressing connection. Further, when the past is separated from the family narrative, feelings of separation, loneliness, and disconnection may surface.
I live for the smell of wood smoke from the downstairs stove and cinnamon rolls on Sunday; I live for the way her laughter feels like a kiss to all the parts of me that are still grieving.
Through creating my family genogram, I saw firsthand that beautiful systems can be built off the backs of broken ones. For those in the counseling profession, the genogram journey can be one of discovery and discernment—of knowing when to ask questions and when to leave the questions unanswered. For me personally, an effective tool to help me better understand the unknowns of my own family unit.
Genograms are more than just a map of genealogy. I found the genogram journey to be a step towards mending the broken relationships within my family by exploring our common past. As counselors, my hope for us is that our future stories will be ones that strengthen our connection to our past, and by doing so, will strengthen our connections in the present. In conclusion, the genogram can be a useful process to begin the discovery and the discussion of your family system or to deepen an already present knowledge and find greater understanding of who you are in the world today.
For more information on Genograms, check out these resources:
Genograms: Assessment and Treatment by Monica McGoldrick
The Genogram Casebook: A Clinical Companion to Genograms: Assessment and Intervention by Monica McGoldrick
References
Gladding, S. T. (2019). Family therapy: History, theory, and practice (7th ed.). Pearson.
McGoldrick, M. (2011). The genogram journey: reconnecting with your family. Norton & Company, Inc.